My Precision Reignites
L i t e r a c y
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there isn`t anymore pain,
life`s now like sunshine and no rain
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just like a fairytale,
my dream came true
it became real
since i found you
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in pure anxiety i wait
of whats the next take,
i hope it isnt a break
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all i need is a miracle,
perhaps this is just any obstacle
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staring into the night
all alone but thats alright,
it`s the feeling deep inside that i dont like
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when will i ever see the light,
or that happy face so bright ?
if only my fairytale could turn to reality,
then there won`t be anymore agony
Read Here
Saturday, April 08, 2006
-Saturday, April 08, 2006
It was such a pity. That before I could make a last visit to her in hospital, she passed away early this morning.
My ahma.
Although we can`t communicate well due to our difference in language of speaking, I can tell she still greatly cared for my siblings and me too. Constantly asking how are we doing with our school work etc. She was a nice lady, old, weak but kind at heart. Never did I come to realise her little forms of care she`s often shown towards us of which I had never appreciated much, is actually a token of love from her. I`ve greatly regretted my poor attitude towards her and how bad a granddaughter I`ve been too all these years. It was only until today when I felt sorry for what I`ve done
It`s this guilty feeling I get inside me when I start to think back of those memories I had of her, lingering stagnantly at the back of my head. Only until today, these memories, little but meaningful, come flowing back to me slowly as I thought of how rude I`ve been to her in the past - when she was still alive. When she starts speaking to me in hokkien, I would look at her for awhile and then turn to my dad and ask him what she said cause I can barely make any sense out of her words. I, in return will reply to her in mandarin shortly and try to smile although I know how fake it looks. I`ve always found it boring to visit her at the hospital and occassionally when my dad asks us if we wanna go visit her, we all wouldn`t go. She`s been hospitalised ever since before cny and we`ve only visited her once which lasted less then twenty minutes. I know it was very mean of us.
As I recall years ago, there were times when we used to visit her at the hospital as a whole family. She would often talk to us in a kind and concerned tone asking us about our studies again as always. But all we would do is to stare at her blankly then. It was probably because of our difference in language that we speak. I speak english while she speaks hokkien.
Few weeks back, my cousin suddenly msged me. We went on to talking about ah ma.
I : how is ah ma ?
He : she`s very very sick, why you like never go visit her ?
I : yea. I know. we`ve only like visited her once and that was around cny period.
He : wha. we often go visit her. At least once a week
It was only then that I felt so guilty. That my cousins had been visiting her regularly while, I ? Only once. And now, deep inside of me, I feel the pain and how my ahma probably felt about me and my siblings. Of how unfilial we are. Sigh. It was depressing to know that she`s passed away now and I didn`t even get to talk to her for the last time even when I want to right now. It`s all too late now. As I stood quietly by her coffin, I saw her familiar face - upset but in peace. Devastating, it is. But what can I do about it now ? I had wanted to visit ahma ever since my cousin told me she was seriously ill but found no time to do so. Was initially waiting for my dad too but he went overseas only to rush back this morning after hearing the unexpected news of her death. Never did I expect her to leave so early too. It was, I heard, due to cancer but she was lucky in a way to have died peacefully in her sleep. Now that we`ve lost her this morning, 0804'06 around 5.30am or so, did I feel that I`ve lost someone close to my heart as well. Although I`ve never thought I`d feel this way towards her death but, I did.
The only thing I felt I could do now for her, is to attend all her wakes faithfully and help fold those insense paper to be burnt for her. After math tuition today with rendy at eunos, I rushed home to meet my bro where we took a cab down to tpy. Rendy was kind to me since and after every ten minutes or so during tuition, he`d ask he out of concern if I was alright. It was like one of the last thing I expected to hear from him but thanks anyway ! He was very nice. Elmo was too. Although I`ve asked him to come to the wake tomorrow but he claims that he don`t know how to react at such events so he don`t think he`ll want to come. But thanks for asking me if I was fine too and that sincere apology.
Anyway, saw salva at tpy just now too.
Oh yes, for those who wanna come tmr. It`s at tpy lorong 1, block157`s void deck. I`ll be there.
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Sorry ahma.
My greatest condolences to you.
I sincerely hope you`d be happy, up above (:
